Wednesday, April 05, 2006
8:04 pm
seriously, none of my plans work.
maybe i should start with why i haven't been blogging for 11 days (was it 11?) before the previous entry.
well, to put it simply, my mother found out about me having a bf and went on to create a huge HOOHA about it.
why?
because i had 7 points for my o'level while he flunked his the first time?
and why does everything else illogical but weirdly reasonable enough for them to reject him revolve around that single fact that i'm much smarter (i had already stopped trying to respond to people who are crazed about my 7 points)?
for goodness' sake, you don't look at people's IQ to determine who you want to give your heart to.
and just out of nowhere those two stupid adults who call themselves my parents starting badmouthing my bf and his parents.
wth?
fine. scold me, confiscate my handphone, take away the wireless connection to my laptop, anything. don't go insulting the people that are important to me and certainly not others' parents when you know next to nothing about them and what they do.
so what if there are other guys who are good people with better qualifications?
i don't want to live the rest of my life with a guy who is only capable of bringing home money and not being able to communicate with me.
like the lyrics from one of mayday's songs (yi ke ping guo): "one day in heaven can't be compared to one life of hardship with you" (tell me if i translated that wrongly), it's the person that you're with, not the physical possessions and qualifications that one has that make you feel that life is more complete.
yeah i know i sound a little farfetched, with it being the 21st century but i don't care. relationships are as old as time so why can't some of my views on it be like that?
and just when i thought that they (my parents) had given up and were letting me deal with this myself, that shrew had to force me into breaking up with my bf.
not a pretty picture.
was crying left right centre up down diagonal the past 2 days whenever i thought about us.
and still doing that when i dug out all the movie tickets, cards and stuff.
behaving kinda lunatic, come to think of it; staring at my couple ring in the middle of the night and tearing all over again.
i mean, it's just a lousy piece of cheap metal- that i don't even know if it's real silver- with his name engraved on the inside of the band.
yet it can mean so much, things that had come between and everything that we shared and some unexplainable thing that kept us together since more than a year ago.
no, the past 2 days were horrible. i had to live with the knowledge that i was going to have to tell him that because of my childish parents, we can't continue.
it had practically ate away whatever that was left of my conscience (which isn't much, actually. or was it my integrity? BAH).
in the beginning i had thought that if due to any reason we had to end, i will just take it, get over it and i won't get myself too deep into this person.
but what's the point of being with a person when you're not giving your all while the other is? it just isn't fair for him.
and i can't just do as i thought last time about getting over it quick because well, turns out i had put in parts of me and it isn't easy taking it back.
didn't fully understand how the lyrics to koda kumi's "butterfly" felt last time but now i really understood.
"you are not my 'everything', but without you, my 'everything' will collapse."
strangely cliche as it is, you only realise the true meaning of what you already have when you had to let it go.
yes it's dumb like, duh, he's the only one you can see since that's the only person you were with. but thinking long and hard, i really don't see anyone else in my future.
i was thinking like, breaking this off would be easier if it had been because of some stupid quarrel or stuff but then again, if it were some quarrel, we'd end up solving it and moving on so i guess there isn't much that could make us (at least me) ever think of breaking up (other than this time. no thanks to that shrew).
all sorts of weird thoughts were hurling through my mind, like i won't ever get over this, or maybe i'll just end up like some old 68-year-old virgin and worse thoughts than that.
no wait, there couldn't be any other worse thoughts than that, but believe me, my imagination was running away then.
well, all these self-torturing didn't get me anywhere because that damned bf of mine won't give in to my parents so i couldn't actually get to do what i had planned to do.
totally ruining other things that i had planned too. bleah.
oh well^_^