Saturday, May 06, 2006
11:02 pm
well, yesterday was the last day of the second week of school and i didn't fall asleep in any of my lectures and tutorials!
wow! now that's something!
yup, so i'll just continue on with the rest of the semester with this feeling! it should lead me somewhere and i really should start doing something about my GPA.
even ky's on the director's list or something for good results.
i shall work hard too!!
although i'll start procrastinating soon haha.. shh.. you didn't read that.
before i go on, this is going to be a long post so if you think you can't read all the junk i put up, you can just skim through, or click on that pretty X at the top right corner of your browser.
so.. as i was saying, is it just me, or is it that people around me are going through, how shall i put it, "troubled times"?
ok, no names are going to be mentioned so those people who have complained to me can stop holding your breaths.
i guess it's an awkward period for most people, trying to figure what it is that we want in our lives and why some things just don't go our way, why some people act that way, why can't i do anything about stuff and things like that.
well, i can't say much for myself either; not everyone's life is smooth-sailing even if i look the same as i do every other day.
but i guess you people can continue to complain to me. i don't mind listening and it feels more like being a part of that friend's life, you know? like, he/she came to confide in me!
ok, i don't really know how to explain that..
a friend of mine mentioned to me that i sound forever pissed on my blog and when he joked about things on msn he always say "i'm joking, ok? don't get pissed, smile smile!" and i'll have to say that i don't get angry so easily.
a different picture from what i paint on my blog?
hmm.. i think it's that this is like one of the few and rare places where i can complain and get totally angry and bitch about everything and anything and it's not going to point a finger in my face and say "look here girl, i'm sick of you complaining on and on everyday."
well, if my laptop screen is going to pop a finger out and lecture me, i'll die of shock.
but anyways, my blog is like, where i let off all the edges that i may be having during the day or a place for me share stuff like that FFXII commercial and my idolisation of teppei (teppei! *shrieks*).
maybe i sound angsty. maybe i sound sarcastic. i don't know. i just like to portray things as i see it, but from the point of a cynic, because i think cynics are witty and stuff like that.
like, they saw through the mask of the world and everything else and they go "hah. that's how things are. don't you happy, optimistic, silly people realise that?"
i think it's smart, how they put everything out in plain view and we didn't notice those things before.
all right, i'm deviating from my main point.
oh well.
sometimes (or rather, most of the time) i don't know who to go to when i'm having "problems".
the friends i have don't give me the feeling that "THAT is who i will go to when i have this-that problem."
i can go to them for stuff, but they are not those who give me the feeling that i can talk freely about certain things with.
then again, even though i said that my blog is where i can say everything, i can't do that.
when i first started this blog, i felt that i finally can put my thoughts somewhere and those people whom i don't want prying into my business can be kept out as long as i don't tell them about my blog.
and then comes this point in time when i want people to know what i'm thinking, how i think and what kind of person i really am because i know i'm not all that that i portray to people; lame, crappy, forever cheerful.
so i let a handful of friends into my online space.
yet there is this conflicting moment when what initially seemed free and without boundaries, i am met with something that kept me from saying what i may want to put in this blog.
people write their blogs differently.
some write the exact thing that happened to them and more often than not there's not much or not any mention of how they felt about things.
then there are those who put only what they feel. beautiful and descriptive words that will make you understand what they are going through, yet becoming more confused about what had actually happened and you can't ask them straight out for fear that you will make them uncomfortable.
of course there are people who have a mixture of both.
i would like to be that group who does that but there is a problem that comes with it.
when you put everything that happens to you, describing what you are going through in such explicit detail to the point that everyone will know what went on and who is involved, it becomes crude to the people that you may or may not have mentioned.
from what you wrote, people may place judgement, and it will be difficult when you bump into the one you mentioned on your blog if that person reads it.
plus, others will be prejudiced about the one mentioned in the blog.
which is why when things happen, but are too personal to share, i have nowhere to turn to.
i don't want people to set certain standards just because i have bad experiences with whoever i might have mentioned.
well, that doesn't include janice, because she really is an irritating ass who brings out the worst in everyone.
it's contradicting, how you think that you have a blog to share everything that goes on in your head and yet you have to hold back, acting vague, for the sake of privacy and minimising possible hurt on the person you want to complain about on the blog.
where is the boundary for freedom of speech on weblogs?
i guess it's different for everyone but i cringe everytime i read other's entries that almost lay everything down for everyone to see, and making themselves sound like the only victims in whatever incident that had happened.
come on, grow up will you? only lowly people like janice victimise themselves.
the world is more cruel and selfish than what everyone thought it to be; everyone has to learn how to stand on their own feet and not expect someone to be there all the time.
i am really deviating here.
to hell with it haha.. it's my blog so i'll do whatever i want with it.