i seem to remember that 10 years ago, i had a very bad temperament and have no control of my anger so whoever crosses my line, i would personally make sure that he/she gets it back from me many times worse than what i had gone through.

yeah well, i was vengeful, bitter, with stubborness that would make the present me shake my head in shame.
as i grew, subconsciously, i had a better hold of my temper but somehow when it came to things that i needed to stand up for, my new milder temper became a vulnerability and i would just swallow back whatever venomous words i have, "for the greater good for everyone".

that was so dumb of me.
nah-ah, no more of that. i still have that bitterness within me and seriously, i couldn't care less about anymore people getting hurt because of me.
yes, i'm selfish. big deal. who isn't?
to a certain extent, everyone is selfish at some points of time.
sometimes i can be a real bitch, but you know what?
i don't care. i'll just let it out all at one go.

let's see, how should i start?
how about in response to phoenix's blog entry?
quote nix's blog: "wow. her boyfriend is really amazing. yeah, amazingly narrow-minded. poor zq, dont worry i'm behind you all the way!!"

no wonder phoenix no longer tags my tagboard anymore.
narrow-minded? wow, seems like i've been shielding myself from too much of his down-points for what -omg!- over a year!
i guess i'm being quite dumb!

click here. it's an email, by the way.
i'm too lazy to list out all the points that i want to "rebutt" (to put it in a nicer word than "argue") about.
oh, don't mind the bad english. i've lived with that for over a year, a few minutes won't kill that much of your braincells.

firstly, i went to mjc's concert because no one else was free, or interested enough to go.
plus i am not one who backtracks to whoever that may have liked me in the past (so mb, you can give up if you had ever thought about it haha.. but i know you didn't, so you can relax now).
so much for "knowing me too well".

from logic, or rather, common sense, it is much more of a waste by desperately hanging on to something that doesn't exist anymore than to just let it go and continue with whatever life you have.
and since there isn't any feeling left (and i can safely say that mine had already long gone), there isn't anything left to build up on.
common sense, no?

and what's with the numbered points? i absolutely hate it when people talk to me in the "i'm lecturing you haha i'm like so much higher above you see i'm so great" tone.
seriously, cut the crap. you know i hate male chauvinism.

your friends told you that you deserve better?
why, hello? who's downgrading the most here?
as much as i hate mentioning, i seem to remember that my o's results were what, 4 times better than yours?
not much of a point, but hey, who's the one who deserves better here?

oh wow, he says i'm bitchy and i'm proud.
there's a bitchy part in every female, i suppose. sometimes it shows and sometimes it doesn't.
i'm too arrogant to listen?
may i laugh at that?
has it ever occurred to you that it's all because nothing you say makes sense? have you thought about much sensibility your words carry?
not a bit of maturity present.

i still have to wait for your consent to initiate a break? you still think there's a point in continuing?
my gosh, there are really some screws loose up there.
a break doesn't require mutual consent. common sense, yet again.
there is still a chance of salvation?
open your eyes! i don't see any chances anywhere. do you?
whatever happened in the past don't matter to me at this point of time.
when all you see in a person is the negative things, it just cancels out every good thing in the past, and for the record, i am not one to get held back by my past.
you are the one who does that. not me.

wow, here's another email.
let's recall the reactions of my friends when they tried to link me and the word "flirt".
they laughed. especially nix. it seems that me and "flirt" don't belong in the same sentence.
since when do i learn how to flirt? or maybe it's a hidden talent? wow!

personally, i know perfectly well how you will react when i have no one else to accompany to the concert other than a guy friend.
the most possible thing to happen is to prohibit me from attending the concert.
oh don't say you can't do that. haven't you done that like, n times everytime i want to decide things for myself?
knowing the outcome, would i still tell you that the friend who went out with me is a guy?
sheesh, please use that mass of flesh under that thick skull of yours, will you?

what is this about not allowing other people sending me home?
quote mb: "i could be mean and just left you at the concert hall and not care if you got home safely. because i'm your friend and it's only normal and gentlemanly to be sure that you're safe."
so i guess the safety of your girl doesn't matter as long as no one else sends me home?
bullshit.

sure, you haven't changed. neither have i.
it's just that my bitchy and difficult side hadn't surfaced in the past year and i've been consoling myself that those goddamned irritating traits you have are just "small quirks" that i will find endearing when we continue further down our path.
well, seems that you're too full of yourself for me to keep deceiving myself about everything about you.

and now he calls me a piece of junk.
i seem to recall some moral in a story that goes somewhat like "you are what you think of others."
piece of junk? i guess it's a mutual feeling then.

oh, and if any of you ever visit his blog longer than 10 seconds after surviving the dumb popups, the less-than-perfect english and spelling errors that he stubbornly does not want to improve on, these are what you will see (also pointed out by phoenix):

"Just hope that i might find someone new to share my new chapter of life soon."

"Now then i know why guys dont like to have girls who are clever than them. that is because girls will come over their heads and that is what happen to me."

well, good luck finding "someone new" one who has more patience than me and is thick enough to overlook all your "endearing quirks".
if i were to add on, perhaps, i don't "come over my head" (i don't know about other girls, but i know i don't).
you were already too full of yourself in the first place. maybe that "someone new" wouldn't mind feeding your oversized ego, but seriously, i have better things to attend to.

and he complains about other people not being matured enough although she is 2 years older than him.
for a guy who is already 19, i don't see much maturity present either.
birds of a feather flock together, i suppose.

there, persistent enough, nix?
a break doesn't need mutual consent. i for one, have my own life to live.

quote him:
"I have nothing more to say but please do some soul searching. Do you want to be a person who has personlitily or a person who has no personliatily and be a junk."

soul searching? "personlitily"? "personliatily"?
hah. i will throw that right back at you.

now i feel better after letting it all out. no wonder he doesn't care what he puts on his blog.
it feels so good to not care.

hey, at least i maintained confidentiality, right?
no names were mentioned anyways. *shrugs*

go do what you want, show your friends my blog and tell them about how bitchy i'm being and victimise yourself again.
i know perfectly well how bitchy i can be at times and whatever that you're going to do isn't going to affect me anymore.

my sister and i watched ice age 2: the meltdown, and just a few hours ago, my family watched alien vs predator.
some parts of AVP looked kinda funny to me though, and i ended up laughing at it.
my father said that the last predator was sort of acting cool and i guess i agree with him.

just two days ago, i went to meridian jc's choir concert at victoria concert hall, because i have friends performing (rachel jie, justin, a few others and some juniors that i had no idea were in mjc) so i went to support them.

met up with mb (rachel's kor, which indirectly makes me his mei, but neither of us asked so it didn't change from indirect to direct kor-mei), had dinner at thai express at city link (i ate vegatables voluntarily! ok, because it's spicy, but it's still veg! my mother will be so proud of me) before walking to vch.

saw m-chong and two other tkchoir juniors at the entrance. chong's sandals were from the same shop that ky bought hers from, only that ky's had mushroom patterns and chong's was the tiny flowers patterns.
there was this feeling of familarity when i saw chong, like "oh it's chong! aww.. she still had all the piercings that were the same as when we were in the same class back in sec3 and sec4."
ok, it's a weird way to put it but.. haha..

we then went upstairs to get our reserved tickets that rachel paid for us first.
they were in an envelope that was numbered 22 and mb kept going on about his other lucky numbers and said that the last no.22 had him fail a test.
haha.. how lucky.

and soon, the concert started.
one of my close friends back in secondary school (in the same choir too) was one of the mcs and mb asked if i still melt when i see that friend (because he was a crush i had back in my secondary school days. those who know me enough will know who i'm talking about. no names, ok?).
hmm.. more like a nolstalgic feeling like "oh, it's him.. yeah, those were the days.." that sort of thing.

so amongst the choral songs (some of it we had sung before back in tkchoir), the constant pop-concert-cheers and intolerable whoops despite it being a choral concert, and the faint soapy scent coming from some guy in red shirt on my right, i sat in the moderate-sized concert hall, listening to the choir sing and remember at the back of my mind that some years ago, i used to be the one standing there on the stage with the rest of tkchoir and mr kwei conducting at the front, enjoying ourselves while performing for the audience.

wow, what a long sentence.
haha..

rachel's solo role at the last part where they performed an adapted version of sunset boulevard scared me. in a good way, duh.
somehow all of us in the audience were kind of torned between thinking that it's a comedy or a sad story because it seemed that the whole lot of us were quite sadistic and kept laughing at the sad parts (according to rachel).

we had planned to grab a cab when the concert ended but there wasn't one that was available so we almost got lost, walking here and there, trying to find a bus stop that has a bus that goes to my house.
finally we found one that has 16 and ended our hunt for bus stops.

earlier this week i went to orchard alone (quite a feat for me, considering that i get lost easily there) to look for koike teppei's photobook: "first letter from teppei".
walked through the underpass to takashimaya and went up to kinokuniya to begin my search for the book.
turned out that it was out of stock and i had to order it.

even the staff said that teppei's cute! haha..

took the escalator down and that was when i got lost.
somehow i walked into the underpass that connects takashimaya and wisma atria. found my way out and walked to heeren's to "pay a visit" to the japanese idol merchandise store called "mise" that was behind 77th street.
i bought myself a handphone chain that has teppei's picture on it and a screen wipe that has his name with a outline of a guitar handle at the top.

my friends kept saying that i've gone crazy, but oh well ^_^
i like teppei, so sue me!

i am such a good student.
well, at least i did half of my tutorial after returning home at almost 11pm after meridian jc's choir concert at victoria concert hall (more of that next time when i have more time at home to blog comfortably without needing to keep switching between tutorial and blogging).

after reading pauline's tag (and blog; pauline, i miss you too!), i started thinking to myself.

since others are so damn comfortable blogging so friggin explicitly about practically everything and anything, why don't i do so?
then i can NOT care about how whoever reads my blog think about what kind of person i really am and how the incident or people i may mention will bring about a lope-sided view or some form of prejudice.

maybe i am worrying and caring too much of how and what other people think.
maybe i should start to not care so much, because apparently, there are those who don't and no matter how i try to remain confidential about my issues, there will be those who will not.

so i've been wasting my effort all these time?

sometimes i just felt like i am trying too hard to be a nice person (even though i know i'm not much of a saint myself) without realising that there are people who don't care that i do so.

i guess i should just be mean whenever the mood suits me and be nice only when i'm in a happier mood?

oh, the hypocritic acts of a human who wants to be a good person.

teppei-chan wa saikou!!

oh well, i'll be content for now, staring at teppei act as ogata hideki in dragon zakura and then watching oniyome after ky's done with it.
when my mother goes back to taiwan during the june holidays, i'll ask her to help me find the other shows!!

muahahaha!! *evil laughter*

haha.. i guess i'll resume to ogling at teppei-chan ^_^

before i go on, this is going to be a long post so if you think you can't read all the junk i put up, you can just skim through, or click on that pretty X at the top right corner of your browser.

so.. as i was saying, is it just me, or is it that people around me are going through, how shall i put it, "troubled times"?
ok, no names are going to be mentioned so those people who have complained to me can stop holding your breaths.

i guess it's an awkward period for most people, trying to figure what it is that we want in our lives and why some things just don't go our way, why some people act that way, why can't i do anything about stuff and things like that.
well, i can't say much for myself either; not everyone's life is smooth-sailing even if i look the same as i do every other day.
but i guess you people can continue to complain to me. i don't mind listening and it feels more like being a part of that friend's life, you know? like, he/she came to confide in me!
ok, i don't really know how to explain that..

a friend of mine mentioned to me that i sound forever pissed on my blog and when he joked about things on msn he always say "i'm joking, ok? don't get pissed, smile smile!" and i'll have to say that i don't get angry so easily.

a different picture from what i paint on my blog?
hmm.. i think it's that this is like one of the few and rare places where i can complain and get totally angry and bitch about everything and anything and it's not going to point a finger in my face and say "look here girl, i'm sick of you complaining on and on everyday."
well, if my laptop screen is going to pop a finger out and lecture me, i'll die of shock.

but anyways, my blog is like, where i let off all the edges that i may be having during the day or a place for me share stuff like that FFXII commercial and my idolisation of teppei (teppei! *shrieks*).
maybe i sound angsty. maybe i sound sarcastic. i don't know. i just like to portray things as i see it, but from the point of a cynic, because i think cynics are witty and stuff like that.
like, they saw through the mask of the world and everything else and they go "hah. that's how things are. don't you happy, optimistic, silly people realise that?"
i think it's smart, how they put everything out in plain view and we didn't notice those things before.

all right, i'm deviating from my main point.
oh well.

sometimes (or rather, most of the time) i don't know who to go to when i'm having "problems".
the friends i have don't give me the feeling that "THAT is who i will go to when i have this-that problem."
i can go to them for stuff, but they are not those who give me the feeling that i can talk freely about certain things with.

then again, even though i said that my blog is where i can say everything, i can't do that.

when i first started this blog, i felt that i finally can put my thoughts somewhere and those people whom i don't want prying into my business can be kept out as long as i don't tell them about my blog.

and then comes this point in time when i want people to know what i'm thinking, how i think and what kind of person i really am because i know i'm not all that that i portray to people; lame, crappy, forever cheerful.
so i let a handful of friends into my online space.

yet there is this conflicting moment when what initially seemed free and without boundaries, i am met with something that kept me from saying what i may want to put in this blog.

people write their blogs differently.
some write the exact thing that happened to them and more often than not there's not much or not any mention of how they felt about things.
then there are those who put only what they feel. beautiful and descriptive words that will make you understand what they are going through, yet becoming more confused about what had actually happened and you can't ask them straight out for fear that you will make them uncomfortable.

of course there are people who have a mixture of both.
i would like to be that group who does that but there is a problem that comes with it.

when you put everything that happens to you, describing what you are going through in such explicit detail to the point that everyone will know what went on and who is involved, it becomes crude to the people that you may or may not have mentioned.
from what you wrote, people may place judgement, and it will be difficult when you bump into the one you mentioned on your blog if that person reads it.
plus, others will be prejudiced about the one mentioned in the blog.

which is why when things happen, but are too personal to share, i have nowhere to turn to.
i don't want people to set certain standards just because i have bad experiences with whoever i might have mentioned.
well, that doesn't include janice, because she really is an irritating ass who brings out the worst in everyone.

it's contradicting, how you think that you have a blog to share everything that goes on in your head and yet you have to hold back, acting vague, for the sake of privacy and minimising possible hurt on the person you want to complain about on the blog.

where is the boundary for freedom of speech on weblogs?
i guess it's different for everyone but i cringe everytime i read other's entries that almost lay everything down for everyone to see, and making themselves sound like the only victims in whatever incident that had happened.

come on, grow up will you? only lowly people like janice victimise themselves.
the world is more cruel and selfish than what everyone thought it to be; everyone has to learn how to stand on their own feet and not expect someone to be there all the time.

i am really deviating here.
to hell with it haha.. it's my blog so i'll do whatever i want with it.

when we came back after the lecture with phoenix and jill, we couldn't sign up anymore because there were no more lanyards, which meant no more spaces!
that's like just so crappy..
just when i thought i could earn seal points faster than others who don't have a cca and now there's one that sounds kinda slack-ish, there's no more friggin space!!

ah well..
not everything in life goes according to plan.

i was telling jill and phoenix about this nightmare thing that i had last night and they were like "yeah, you missed our old class so much you started having nightmares of yan shan."

in my dream, out of nowhere, there was this goldfish in yan shan's hands, dangling from his fingers and i was going hysterical "yan shan! put it in the water!! hurry!!" but either he's being deaf or ignored me on purpose, he toyed with the fish and kept pulling it apart at the tail until the goldfish was flat (no, it didn't tear, much like i feared while still dreaming) then i got so exasperated with him "omg you are so damn disgusting, do you know that?!"
but that wasn't the end. no no..
he used some tiny stick or something and started rolling it over the poor fish.

ugh.. disgusting, i tell you.

so it's either that sadistic vibe in me working up or i really missed our old lame and crappy times in 1b06.

i wanna buy WaT's album! and teppei's japanese serials vcds (or dvds, if there's a kind sponsor somewhere out there^_^)!
TEPPEI!!!~

oh keita! w-inds.! ryohei! ryuichi! i've let you guys down!
now i'm starting to drool over koike teppei of WaT, a japanese guitarist duo who writes and composes their own songs..
haha.. oh well, at least allow myself to be open to more music and more bishonen, no?

omg, teppei is just so droolable!! his eyes are like so big, and he's only 2cm taller than me.
*guffaws*

this is the duo, WaT, wentz eiji and koike teppei.
the name taken from "W"entz "A"nd "T"eppei: WaT.
eiji looks european because his father is german-american (or so i read from some forums) yet he can only speak fluent japanese (haha..)

both of them acted in japanese serials and one or two movies, but as solo projects.
if you happen to watch "waterboys II", you would recognise teppei.

*faints*
teppei!! kawaii~~

*nosebleeds*

haha his hair is so colourful!
that's him as the character in one of his serials "dragon zakura".

omg! such big eyes!
i am envious!

cute, no?
you dare disagree?!
haha..

he's left-handed but he plays the guitar like a normal right-handed person would.

i realise that from certain angles, zy would look like teppei because of his old hairstyle and his huge eyes.
however.. zy had his hair cut!! and i couldn't adjust to it fast enough so i ended up laughing non-stop at him when the few of us 1b06 people (julia, me, jill, zy, janice) bumped into one another near the vending machines at the business school lift.

so i guess teppei is still the cuter one hahahaha~
*whacks self for displaying stupid acts of fangirlism*

anyhoo, there is some sort of soft drink or something that's like a tie-in with the new FFXII and if you look at the label, it says "Final Fantasy XII: Potion".
like, that's so cute.
trust the japanese to come up with whacky ideas.

here's the website of that drink and you have GOT to watch the commercial.
it's too damn cute!

when is the english version of the game coming out?!
i wanna play it now now now!!