.My Inner Writer.
. Arietis .
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orangebananas @ deviantART
And my narcissistic self.
Did more filing and stuffing of invoices to be mailed this morning.
Helped the operations department fill out some job slips for touch-up jobs and learned how to key in Over-Time hours for installation workers.
One of the sales personnel who intimidate me (not because she was unfriendly. Just... those kind of people who makes you fear doing something wrong in front of) is leaving. Not sure when though, but it seems that she found a job with a much better pay.
Oh well, not really my business to know.
Was talking to Julia on MSN messenger earlier tonight and somehow I started talking about Hui Ling to her. About the major fight we had and I ignored that best friend for two years before realising how stupid the reason that I was standing my ground for was, then the blur incoherent apology I gave after ambushing Hui Ling back in Secondary One, which ended in a mess of hugs and laughs (she had a much better temper than I those years back), with me in a bigger mess of tears of relief.
And I told Julia that I regretted not apologising to Hui Ling much earlier. If I had, I'd have more time then to stay by her side through her illness instead of receiving a teary announcement from Kimberly that she had already left us in the night.
It's been such a long time since I've mentioned Hui Ling and our past together. As saddening as it was that I was stupid enough then to let my stubborn streak lead me away from her, it's nice to talk about the friend who was somewhat a sister to me.
As much as the reminder that she's not here anymore is enough to stop my heart a few beats and clench my lungs of the oxygen in them and bring almost-tears to the surface, thinking of how she was before her illness took her still allowed some unconscious smile to come unbidden.
Being such a child then, it was virtually impossible to realise it but now, with her grinning face still imprinted clearly in my mind (from a photograph taken during our Primary Four trip to Changi Airport. Don't ask me why I chose that picture. It's the one I always see when I think of her), it's not difficult to say that she really was beautiful. Both on the outside and on the inside.
After all, how does an eleven-year-old go through chemotherapy, drop all her near-waist-length hair, get restricted for most parts of the day and still managed to come to school as if nothing was wrong?
I think I didn't really come to grasp with her death back then. All that had registered was shock and disbelief.
Now, only less than two years away from adulthood and that much more aware of life and death, the pain starts to seep in, five years after she had left us.
But still, the memories are bittersweet. And at least she had lived a little. Perhaps dying young has its advantages.
You still think of the world as a beautiful place. Wars are a thing of a long-ago past. Politics are a game for grown-ups that won't involve you in any way. Betrayal, mind games, backstabbing occurs only because someone won't share a toy.
Anyway, I'm straying from the point.
The thing is, I know I've told you before, you, yes you (not sure if you're reading my blog now). But just like a dance that needs someone to lead, someone has to take step to apologise. Regardless of how you think the responsibility lie, the only important thing is the first step, that first "I'm sorry". Those are the hardest two words, what comes after, if it gets as incoherent as I was when I apologised or planned with precision and flourish, can only get easier with each word said.
And you. The other you. How important a friend is, isn't measured by whether he/she bothers to take the first step to apologise, and it's unfair to just let things be when you have a shared past, no matter how distorted the present is.
From my previous analogy, someone has to take the second step. You can't just stand back and let the first person do all the work.
All right, I know what I say doesn't matter much if you still won't be bothered about it.
But, think on it, okay?
It's tiring to handle the both of you, preventing bloodshed while being as neutral as possible.
This is as far as I'll get involved so whatever happens, don't drag me into any catfights.
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